Thank You

There's so many things I can be thankful for when it comes to you, H.

I'm thankful that you never fail to send me good morning texts, no matter how sucky the situation got the night before.
I'm thankful that you seem to remember the things I've mentioned, like how I haven't had a day of rest at home, cos I'm at work 5 days a week and  am always out the entire weekend.
I'm thankful that you remember what I love, like and dislike and am always careful about your choices for me.
I'm thankful that you offer to buy me things that I like when we go out, even though I turn down your offers cos I don't wanna be that sort of girl.
I'm thankful that you check on me every single day, making sure that I'm home safe, had my meals, drank enough water... and so on.
I'm thankful that you're still here, despite the crap that we've faced, despite the taunts of others, despite the tantrums, bad moods, sore spots and all the bad things.

Above all that, I'm thankful that I still have you to call my own.
That you still say "Yes", "I do" and "I am" when I asked if you still love me, still am in this with me.

You're where I draw my strengths from, H.
No matter how hard it gets, I'd still need you for the long run.

Without you, I'd be fine.
But who wants to fine when they can be over the moon?

Now.

Neglected, when I used to feel so attended to.

A miser, when I used to feel like I was up on a pedestal.

Alone, when I used to feel surrounded with the best things a girl could ask for.

Unloved, when I used to not be able to keep my feet on the ground.

- Published on Blogger on Android

In search of the perfect vanity table.

Anyone who knows me well enough knows of the effect beauty tools have on me.

I get weak in the knees, unable to resist the pops of colours in an eyeshadow palette, the slick oilyness of a moisturising lipstick, the magnifying effect mascara has on my eyes.

I adore my brushes, my palettes, my lipsticks and I really try my best to take care of them.

Washing, sanitizing them after use, to maintain their perfection.

Which is why I'm on a beauty mission.

A mission to find the perfect vanity table to house my babies, that are currently kept safe in my trusty, leopard print traincase.

But its sooo hard to just go into any furniture store, look around and go "I'll take that one!"

There's really too many to choose from and I'm not leaning towards any particular looks just yet.

- Do I want it to have soft, rounded, romantic edges?

 - Do I want a sleek, minimalist feel to my vanity?

- Dark wood/light wood or formica? Steel?

- What about the mirros? Tri-folding or a big baroque one? Lights or no lighst?

I think I'll know when I found "The One".

The One that will house my precious keepsakes, the very tools that I thoroughly enjoy using, because I find it so relaxing, so calming to caress a brush onto my cheeks, to slick on lipstick on my lips, to blend my eyeshadows.

I know I sound obsessed and psychotic but I can't help it.

I love my beauty products!

Tongue tied.

I need you to know something, but most times I can't say it to you, so I'll just let the first 3 words of this sentence explain it.

Everything I feel inside is summarised...

...in this simple piece of literature, written by someone as insecure and as vulnerable as I am.

Numbed, by my own doings and fears.

I just wish I knew what I'm doing in this life, I just need to find someone who'll guide me along, encourage me and always be there when need be.

I need someone who tells me to go for it, regardless of what crazy ideas I have, someone who'll be at the finishing line, cheering me on, someone who will never say "I told you so", when I screw up, even though he knew it wouldn't work in the beginning, someone who'll study me carefully and quietly, only with his eyes, not needing to say how he feels because whatever they are, it exudes from his every pore, his every action, when he's around or away from me, someone who'll wipe my snot, kiss my tears, hug me when I'm happy, sad, angry, all the time because he knows how much I love to be held, someone who'll take my hand and lace his fingers through mine the very moment he sees me because he's so damn grateful to have me and he sees some sort of beauty in me, something that I can never see with my own eyes, someone who's proud of me and wants to share his pride with his family and friends, the whole world...

I think that's enough venting,  for now.

 I shall shut up, plug in some Bruno Mars and cuddle up in bed and ponder why I'm feeling this way.

Lists.

Yeah, just like that time many years ago, where I had a "list" of things my future boyfriend wouldn't be.
Number 1 & 2 on my list were:

1) NEVER fall for a Chinese boy
2) NEVER find a boyfriend in poly, cos they'd be off to NS and you'd suffer from seperation anxiety

And look what happened:

1) I fell for a Chinese boy
2) I fell in the 2nd semester of my FIRST year in poly (approx 6 months into poly) AND I did suffer from seperation anxiety, sleepless nights.... you name it, I had it.

Goes to show, you can only plan but when things are meant to happen, they sweep you off your feet with no prior warning.

Screw it with lists,  just go with the wind.

Okayyyy, last one.

On an Artic Monkeys late night binge.

Why hello, sexy lads.

New rules to live by.

You.

Even as I'm overwhelmed with work in the office, thoughts of you fill my mind and I can't help but to just smile, believe and have trust. And its times like this where I find myself longing for nothing more than to breathe in your familiar scent and feel your warmth, the very things that provide me with the greatest comfort in the world.

The ups and downs, they're part and parcel of this journey. Tears that flowed, laughter that bounced off the walls and the things we've shared, only we know what they meant.

I wanna quit being negative and enjoy what we have, milk our time together for what its worth. I don't wanna regret anything, anymore.

I wanna grow old with you and enjoy our time together.

I wanna keep growing alongside you - since when we were 17 year old classmates to when you're a white haired, singlet wearing apek and I'm a tudung wearing, baju kurung clad makcik (with a clutch clamped tight under my right armpit).

I wanna grow old with you, lace our wrinkly hands together and whisper into your ear 50 years from now that, "We made it."

Its you or no one else for me.

If its in God's will.

I can only pray that you feel the same way about me too.

"The head said

... before you give up, think of the reason you held on for so long."

And on a totally random note, my head also says that I could use a fab slab of chocolate cake (preferably from Awfully Chocolate), a nice FULL body massage (in a room with lit up vanilla scented candles) and topped off with reaaaaaaaaaal cute, round owl (a plushie, since I can't deal with the real thing - will probably make it send letters back and forth ala Hedwig in Harry Potter).

But hey, we can't always get what we want.
C'est la vie.

Trust

...is like an eraser.
It gets smaller with every mistake.

You have no idea...

No idea of what I feel about you.
Of how much I care about you.
Of how much I think you're amazing and handsome.
Of what I think we could become.
Of how much you make me happy and sad at the same time.
Of how much you make me so alive.
Of the butterfly riot that takes place in my stomach when you talk to me.
Of how much you make me worry and scared.

You have no idea.

KONY 2012

Kony 2012 is a film and campaign by Invisible Children that aims to make Joseph Kony famous, not to celebrate him, but to raise support for his arrest and set a precedent for international justice.

Please stay and watch.

Sights and sounds from Life.

Life, not cruising as smoothly as I'd like it too but it goes on.

Tough times don't last, tough people do.

Sights and sounds from the Heart.

If you ever leave me, baby, leave some morphin at my door. Cos it will take a whole lot of medication to realise what we used to have, we don't have it anymore.

Tuhan tolong lembutkan hati dia
Untuk terima ku seadanya
Kerna ku tak sanggup
Kerna ku tak mampu
Hidup tanpa dia di sisi ku

Pretty much sums up what I feel right now.

Kusebut namamu disetiap doaku.
Bangkitkan setiap kenangan tentangmu.

Sights and sounds from the Office

"Its the most wonderful time of the year."